Thursday, November 8, 2012

Quick Watson, names for garden dwarfs!

This is yet another post wherein odd questions are answered. I get between a grin and a guffaw when periodically I check the “search keywords” and uncover a treasure trove of phrases that lead souls to the Last Frontier Garden blog.  Poor saps.

aprilmay2012 099

Anyway, in the spirit of serving my fellow gardeners (and may I humbly add, all mankind), I shall answer with all the wisdom and clarity of the oracle at Delphi. Tally ho!

*How did nannies blow away in Mary Poppins?

The same way my garbage can blew away last month: the wind. Who knew England was so very gusty? Therefore, avoid toupees and wrap dresses when visiting, and never under any circumstances carry an open umbrella. Just a tip.

*Plants moose eat.

They might not eat all of your plastic or fabric plants, but the rest of the bona fide ones are vulnerable. In other words, anything but spruce trees or ornamental grasses, kid.

*garden dwarf names

Do you by chance mean gnomes? (Or are you referring to persons of shorter stature that grow petunias? I’ve heard they prefer to be called “little people.”) For gnomes, you can’t go wrong with “Barry” or “Roger.” For a female, “Smurfette.”

*fish bonker

If you plan to fish for something bigger than a minnow, it always helps. Wood is best. If you don’t know what a fish bonker is, welcome to Alaska.

*saxophone water fountains

Uh, Bill, is that you? I mean Governor Clinton. Generally speaking, sir, musical instruments do not belong in the pond. I know my mom would faint if I put my viola in there. Though on second thought, I am about ready to commit the family harmonica and hand bell set to that fate. Ring-a-ding-a-ding for preserving sanity!

*snow white

I said it before and I’ll say it again, for lots of hits on your blog, write a post (or better yet, just a title) about Snow White. That witless, trusting princess has fascinated a lot of people, as evidenced by the continuous stream of referrals to the one post I sort of wrote about her.  In truth, it was about dwarf evergreens, but tenuous connections are my specialty.

And finally, the all-time top entry:

*bunny boots

I’ve really got to do some more garden-related writing.

Now, now don’t complain. I spared you “dwarf umbrella,” “white vs. black bunny boots,” and “Cinderella's pumpkin carriage.” You’re welcome. Tune in next time as I bring you __________. That means I haven’t decided yet: The Grump’s Guide to Christmas Music or Cross Country Skiing Disasters.


Funny search keywords for your blog? Snow White devotees?


  1. Renders my most frequent keyword search of 'sweet piccalilli' to be exceedingly boring.

    I also had a couple of searches for "strange white substance on grass blades" - no it wasn't snow!

    1. Dear Miss Sue,

      You set a high bar. I'll know I've made it when I start getting referrals like that!


  2. Thanks for the giggle. I'm a little embarrassed that this native Minnesotan didn't know what a fish bonker was...

    1. Don't worry, thousands of real live Alaskans don't know either. It's both entertaining and depressing. Next summer, I'll bring a megaphone to the fishing beach and do some public service announcements.


  3. I"m constantly amazed at what searches lead people to my blog. plant eating zombies seems to be a favourite. I have NEVER written about zombies in any shape or form so I haven't got a clue where that comes from. Pretty sure the saxophone water fountain is this guy from Comox, his work is freaking outrageous.

    1. I have nothing to say other than...I am so jealous! Zombies in the garden is a great post idea. Thanks for tracking the sax fountain maker down.


  4. I vote for the Grump's Guide to Christmas Music, pretty please.

    I've never done a "Search keywords" for my blog. I should try it sometime, especially if I'm in the throes of writer's block.

    Hope you can keep your remaining sanity so as to preserve the family harmonica and bells, although I can imagine it's a real challenge. Maybe you can ask hubby for a sound-proof room for Christmas. :)


    1. Very well, Your Grace, your wish is my command. Grumps here we come!

      And I see you've penetrated the source of all my dumb posts (about 90% of them): writer's block.

      Block on!



Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment. I really appreciate and (hopefully) encourage participation amongst readers of this blog.


Related Posts with Thumbnails