Monday, December 13, 2010

Oh, Alaska! The Twelve Tarps of Christmas….

Never one to content myself with writing about a local quirk/pet peeve just once, I have canvassed the sprawling metropolis of Anchorage, Alaska and surrounding areas for the most glorious use of blue tarps, bound to induce feelings of civic pride within any resident of this 49th state.  Now knowing I couldn’t possibly do this on my own, I enlisted tarp scouts to track down this brightly hued but sometimes elusive polyethylene beast.  (First, do yourself a favor and brush up on my fascinating account of the magnetism blue tarps exert upon those carrying a Y chromosome.)

So look on, if you dare, but don’t blame me for various diseases of the eye and mind that may occur as a result….

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There’s A Partridge wintering in there, And A Pear Tree, too, I just know it.  I’m half expecting an astronaut to walk out the door: “Houston, we have a problem….”  (There is a Houston, Alaska, and this ponderosa wasn’t ten miles down the road from that fair town.  I call that irony.)

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 Two Turtle Doves.  Or maybe one RV and one woodpile?

Three Feet Over the Property Line.

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Four Lolling Boats.  The nicest one gets a tarp?

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Five Ashen Cinderblocks.  (My imagination seems to be running out of steam here, but they’re not golden now, are they?)

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Six Tarps A-Laying?

Seven Swans A-Swimming, but not ‘till spring and the (rare and shy) brown tarp is removed.

Eight Frayed Neighborly Relations.

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Maybe they have Nine Ladies Dancing in there.  A little privacy, please….

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Ten (thousand) Boards A-Sleeping.

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Eleven Pipes Crumbling.  OK, it’s a column.  Our city is in a bit of a budget crunch, so those much needed repairs are camouflaged Alaska style.  Fancy, isn’t it?

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Twelve Summers Sitting (there.)

So you see, no matter how bad it is, any situation can be made even worse with the addition of a blue tarp.  I’d like to thank my unsuspecting neighbors here in Anchorage and a few choice residents of the Mat-Su valley for their inspiration (and unwitting participation) in my Tarp Roundup this year.  Keep buying those blue tarps and spreading that blue tarp love around!

Is there anything more noticeable than a blue tarp?  I just want to know why blue?


  1. I'm still laughing. I had to shut off the carols playing on itunes while I read this, I really did. But then you got me with "no matter how bad it is, any situation could be made even worse with the addition of a blue tarp."

    So true, so poignant ... such a summary of life's insults!

  2. OMG! That first one is my ex-husbands house - er - place... The same ex husband that wanted to build me a house out of pallets so that I could "rent out the big house to make a little money"! What a small world! LMAO

  3. Ha! This made me laugh on a very grey and dismal day - thank you. We have our share of blue tarpage here as well. I think the creators of the blue tarps thought that the blue might blend in with blue (sunny) skies which are most often seen in better weather - in which you probably don't need a tarp? White or grey tarps might be more appropriate.

  4. They look as if some giant hit his thumb with a hammer. They stick out like a sore thumb.

  5. You had me at 'The Twelve Tarps of Christmas'!! Wonderful post ... I still haven't stopped laughing! Isn't it amazing how these blue monsters just seem to be everywhere! Oh thank you for cheering me up so much on this horrible hot humid day down here in Oz!

  6. TOO, TOO FUNNY - thanks for the laughs! We recently got rid of our big, blue tarp - it was in a zillion shreds and not able to protect our stacks of firewood any longer. The birds had fun weaving the blue threads into their nests this past spring/summer. I love gardening. Can't wait to read more of your blog.
    Connie in PA

  7. I see a lot of these on my construction jobs, and I will never look at them the same way again; and probably with the song playing right along.

  8. I don't know why, but I find the Three Feet over one quite charming.

    Interesting that someone has a blue front garden too.


  9. This was too funny. Still laughing.

  10. Bravo! Love it. Merry Christmas and Happy new year. jim

  11. LOL! I think they should make them in designers colors for everyone. I am afraid around here it is blue or green. Why not some pretty pastel colors. LOL!

  12. Jamie @Woodside Gardens,

    Small world indeed! I must say though, your ex's application of tarps might be one of the finest in the state.

    Connie and Barry,

    Welcome to the blog! Keep your expectations low and you'll never be disappointed. Most likely.


  13. Christine, You are just so witty and fun. I love this post!!! I'll be crediting you as I post on my Tarp of the month in a few days.

  14. I used to live in Maine where we observed that there is not much more you need to survive than a blue tarp, some duct tape, and WD40. I never thought of putting it to music though, how seasonal. Carolyn

  15. Love it! Thanks for a good laugh :-)

  16. LOL...I will be on the lookout for blue tarps. Fun post!!

  17. Such a fun post! Thanks for the laughs, you do seem to have an abundance of tarps in your neck of the woods...:)

  18. You'll want to add a facebook button to your blog. I just bookmarked this article, although I had to complete it manually. Simply my $.02 :)

    - Robson

  19. Very funny. I enjoyed that a lot. Merry Christmas.

  20. ha ha - this is hilarious! Tarps are one thing, but to be the stuff of a Christmas classic - wonderful.

  21. ah yes, us boys and our blue tarps...but they do match the sky..don't they?

  22. I will NEVER look at blue tarps the same..EVER NEVER EVER!!!LMAO!!

  23. I love this so much. You are very funny and I am your newest (I think fan).

    I cross posted on facebook. Love it, love it.

  24. hilarious...
    But you gave me some ideas:)
    May the Christmas season
    fill your home with joy,
    your heart with love
    and your life with laughter.
    Wishing you peace, prosperity and health for 2011.
    - Cheers Gisela.


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