Thursday, December 2, 2010

“Have a snarly, gnarly Christmas” & other classics

Surely the tone of this piece is clear right from the start.  If not, for those perhaps half asleep or jet-lagged, let me be understood.  After enduring the traffic, the icy roads, the brown snow, and the single digit temperatures, the one thing I’m not is jolly.  Sensible folk would do something to effect a cure, perhaps drink a mug of hot cocoa adorned with whipped cream and sprinkles, buy a pair of warm boots, or get on the next plane to Hawaii.  Me?  I am sliding deeper into my “winter funk” and strangely, perversely almost, enjoying it.

vacation 2008_2009 157

I notice the Christmas songs are now on twenty four hour rotation.  The oldie but goodie category (Frank Sinatra, Eartha Kitt, etc.) seems to escape my snide observations, but the more modern recordings are easy pickings.  Some of the singers actually sound deranged about the thought of the upcoming holidays.  This seems like a good place to mention the synthesizer, an instrument waaaay overdone in Christmas songs from a certain decade.  And the station gets changed immediately if there is a solo more than two octaves above how the music is written.  I prefer to keep the windshield intact, thanks.

What’s the point of all this grumpiness?  I want to share the coping mechanism that gets me through “all Christmas songs, all the time”, plus a heavy dose of “winter funk.”  My breakthrough came when I began to substitute alternate lyrics and titles.  Suddenly, life was bearable, or at least, the twentieth Mariah Carey holiday tune in one hour, less inclined to tip me over some psychopathic boundary. 

Can you guess what these used to be?

1. Mocking Aloud the Christmas Letter

2. Sarah Got Run Over by a Hater (In A Volvo)

3. Congress Fighting in an Open Mire

4. All I Want For Christmas is j.crew

You see, it doesn’t have to be clever or make sense, just fun!

Here are some for you to try:

1. Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

3. Over the River and Through the Woods

4. Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

5. (and my new favorite…) Please Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas

Care to share a coping mechanism?  Christmas song spoof?


  1. It's The Most Wonderful Time for a Beer!

  2. Argh! I see you've listed my most hated Christmas tune (please daddy don't....) Hubby laughs like crazy when he hears this but I find I start to get facial twitches and a feeling of wanting to smash the speakers in when this comes on. I normally love you John Denver but I can't forgive this.

  3. Obie got run over by a prius, walking back from smoking by the white house tree, people think there's no such thing as Climate Change, and as for me and Al Gore, we believe.

    Sorry, just couldn't help myself.

  4. This is just such a great list! I think my least favorite Christmas song is "I Want a Hippotamus for Christmas". Seriously, what were they thinking when they made this song?

  5. I fell off my chair and am still not right after reading (and hearing in my head) Congress Fighting in an Open Mire. It's so ..... perfect.

  6. Do you fear what I fear?

    I am afraid I am not worry good at this but as always I enjoyed the post tremendously!

  7. As soon as you asked for participation I realized that I have the maturity of an 8 year old. Oh well, gonna do it anyway: Do You Smear What I Smear?

    I can't help myself.

  8. I just had to check my iTunes catalog and have to many to list, but you put me in the mood with your funny post, so that I cranked up Redneck 12 Days of Christmas and followed it up with Christmas is a Pain in the Arse. My list is so long on the grumpy Chistmas meter, yet I have a blast at Christmas.

  9. Christine, Ah the wit, dear friend! You are just to dang funny.

    I too am in stitches over the Congress and mires. Very apropos.

    Brain freeze. I lack your wit. Maybe something like, "It's the most ridiculous time of the year." :)

  10. Dear Christine, I can't print my husband's suggestions, but my sides ache from laughing. Pamela x

  11. They are starting Christmas music on November 1st- this is wayyyyy tooo early!

  12. All I want for Christmas is a job for everyone, peace in Afghanistan, Countries to unite and do something real to combat global warming ...

  13. ha ha! I'm not feeling very creative right now, but I can tell you that I DO have a song stuck in my head that I heard tonight as I was merrily putting up the ornaments. Ren and Stimpy's "We wish you a Merry Chest-Wig".


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