Surely the tone of this piece is clear right from the start. If not, for those perhaps half asleep or jet-lagged, let me be understood. After enduring the traffic, the icy roads, the brown snow, and the single digit temperatures, the one thing I’m not is jolly. Sensible folk would do something to effect a cure, perhaps drink a mug of hot cocoa adorned with whipped cream and sprinkles, buy a pair of warm boots, or get on the next plane to Hawaii. Me? I am sliding deeper into my “winter funk” and strangely, perversely almost, enjoying it.
I notice the Christmas songs are now on twenty four hour rotation. The oldie but goodie category (Frank Sinatra, Eartha Kitt, etc.) seems to escape my snide observations, but the more modern recordings are easy pickings. Some of the singers actually sound deranged about the thought of the upcoming holidays. This seems like a good place to mention the synthesizer, an instrument waaaay overdone in Christmas songs from a certain decade. And the station gets changed immediately if there is a solo more than two octaves above how the music is written. I prefer to keep the windshield intact, thanks.
What’s the point of all this grumpiness? I want to share the coping mechanism that gets me through “all Christmas songs, all the time”, plus a heavy dose of “winter funk.” My breakthrough came when I began to substitute alternate lyrics and titles. Suddenly, life was bearable, or at least, the twentieth Mariah Carey holiday tune in one hour, less inclined to tip me over some psychopathic boundary.
Can you guess what these used to be?
1. Mocking Aloud the Christmas Letter
2. Sarah Got Run Over by a Hater (In A Volvo)
3. Congress Fighting in an Open Mire
4. All I Want For Christmas is j.crew
You see, it doesn’t have to be clever or make sense, just fun!
Here are some for you to try:
1. Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
3. Over the River and Through the Woods
4. Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
5. (and my new favorite…) Please Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas
Care to share a coping mechanism? Christmas song spoof?