My husband suggested I write about Tebow mania. “You’re not being helpful!” I retorted. Moments before, fresh out of garden related topics (don’t judge me, I have no garden right now), I had unwisely turned to the other half for ideas. I get “football, thermometer, mouse corpses,” and big surprise “write about nothing. Like Seinfeld.” What am I supposed to do with those ideas? Other than increase my reputation for odd, off-topic writing.
Another, rather better idea is finally offered. “Write The Gardening Handbook for Alaskans, or was it The Kid’s Coloring Book?” OK, you twisted my arm, here is the outline of my magnum opus in rough form:
1. your soil is poorly drained
2. the moose and bears and rabbits eat your plants
3. your growing season is short
4. it won’t grow, overwinter, flower, or ripen
The End
Do you think I can retire on the proceeds of this handbook? Though upon reflection, a 3 x 5 card would be more cost effective than a whole handbook for four tips. In fact, school children could memorize these four simple pointers and the reality of gardening in our state would be ingrained from an early age.
“So you see, children, successful cultivation of rutabagas clearly violates principle number four and we mustn't be bitter.”
I am being counseled from across the room to include the pros with the cons lest I sound cynical. Oh, ok, fine!
1. summer days last almost all night
2. relatively few introduced pests and diseases
3. cool season vegetables can grow to prodigious size, see my post here
4. something will come to me, but a blank for now
What I need are two 3x5 flashcards and a couple of pages of blank paper on which to draw a few sketches of moose eating peonies or rabbits eating primulas and shazam! A handbook AND coloring book in one. Let it not be said that the Last Frontier Gardener is out of ideas. Anything but that.
Next week: Tebow lost out to a garden topic today, but will he win next week’s writer’s block?
How would the garden handbook from your area read?
My handbook would say:
ReplyDelete1. Winter is 9 months out of the year.
2. I don't know who "they" is, but "they" will tell you we are a zone 5 and "they" lie. We are a zone 3. (this has been tested in my gardnen through the loss of many zone 4 & 5 trees, bushes, roses, and prennials.)
3. For my benefit, water is important and you should use it occassionally on your plants, especially the ones you plant under eaves and overhangs.
That is it for me. Good luck gardening. Only 5 more months before the season starts.
I think you need a holiday! ;-)
ReplyDeleteI think you should write about those dang dandelions that grow so large and prolifically up in AK. I was shocked to see them everywhere, and so BIG. I am sick of Tebow. Bless his heart he can't help it if everyone is bored with winter and can't think of anything else to write/talk about.
ReplyDeleteHere the garden manual would say weather is up down, hot cold, drought flood and soil is variable. Your patience and perseverance will overcome all obstacles.
One plus I can think of was brought to my attention by an English gardener who moved to California. He planted his garden in his new, toastier (soCal) locale, excited to see the over flowing bounty brought about by sun and warmth.
ReplyDeleteWhat he hadn't anticipated was the Olympian sprints WEEDS take across one's sunny clime-based garden. He said keeping up w/weeds is MUCH more difficult in CA.
Thinking the weed proliferation rate is slow-ish in AK? True? False?
1. It's hot in Porterville. 2,3,and 4 remember 1. 40C today.
ReplyDeleteI thought you were in a new home, with a garden? Or am I being dim, are you waiting for spring to start your new garden. Did the fish in your header come with you, or stay in their garden??
Writing about nothing? This is my strategy. Seinfeld is my hero and until I clicked on your link I was blissfully oblivious to the likes of this "Tebow" fellow. In fact I thought you were going to write about taping TV programs but realized we'd need a 'v' instead of a 'b' for that.
ReplyDeleteWhatever you write, have no fear. Your readers will be here. :)
@Birds, Bees, Berries, and BloomsExcellent tips for my area, as well. And the nine months of winter, well, we can commiserate together. Did I mention it's ten below zero?
ReplyDeleteCB
@Calgary Garden CoachThe problem is I already had a big holiday last October. By my calendar, I'm not due for another until 2014. Think I'll make it?
ReplyDeleteI am thinking of a jaunt to the garden show in Seattle next month. It will give me something legitimate to write about at least.
CB
@Lisa at GreenbowI am definitely writing about dandelions this spring. It's the official herald of milder weather, along with the gulls coming inland to the McDonald's parking lots.
ReplyDeleteNow where can I buy some patience? My kid's would even pay for it as a gift.
CB
@biobabblerOoh, good question! Maybe it depends on the weed (see dandelion comment). We have had a few weeds do really well, mostly in my veggie garden. Weeding dandelions is my least favorite task, their taproots seem very, uh, healthy. Especially in my lawn.
ReplyDeleteCB
One thing that you do achieve is make me think I should stop moaning about our climate!
ReplyDelete@Elephant's EyeNew place, no garden, and let's leave the being dim to me. Fish came with me, they're under about three feet of snow.
ReplyDeleteSend some of that heat northward would you?
CB
@GRACE PETERSONWhat? You haven't heard of Tebow?? I don't even follow football and I can't avoid him. And I saw a hilarious Saturday Night Live skit about him that I just can't get out of my head.
ReplyDeleteRe: Taping TV programs, just as soon as I figure out how to do that, I will write about it. And then shutter the blog forever. Your strategy works much better at your blog because it is accompanied by photos of your charming garden.
CB
@Sue@G.L. AllotmentsNo, no, moan away! Winter is the perfect time to gripe about climate. In fact, I feel a frown coming on right now. How many more days of subzero weather can one endure, I ask you!
ReplyDeleteCB
Very clever! I loved this post, perhaps because I can relate so much to short gardening season. I am looking at gardening catalogs and anything that grows in 30 days is my kind of plant. ( I eat a lot of radishes. :)
ReplyDeletePeace.
@RoseyThat's one I really need to try. Though why I haven't tried radishes yet I couldn't say. Do they require skill? Cuz I'm fresh out of that in the veggie patch.
ReplyDeleteCB