I’ve been thinking about doing this post for a while now. You’d think that would lead to better picture quality, but as regular readers know, you’d be wrong. (Anyway, it’s winter, what else do I have to do?) Let’s see if I am able to properly channel comedian Jeff Foxworthy’s “You might be a redneck” shtick. I’m not sure if this list is silly or just true.
You might be an Alaskan if:
you have at least four fleece coats. The one without dog hair or engine oil is your dress coat.
a moose ate your Halloween pumpkin.
a roll of duct tape and a blue tarp can save your life. At least you tell yourself this as your wife is hollering at you for buying another blue tarp and half dozen rolls of duct tape.
you can ski to your mailbox.
filling the freezer with meat means an annual rifle-laden pilgrimage to the hinterlands, significant financial outlay, and eating out of a can for four days. Then hauling largish animal bits 20 miles across the tundra to your vehicle. Grocery store? What grocery store?
a heat wave in December means 40 degrees Fahrenheit (4.4 degrees C). “Honey, where’d I put my sandals?”
snowmachines are how you get from point A to point B. If you call them “snowmobiles” instead of snowmachines, you are not from Alaska. A true aficionado even refers to them affectionately as “sleds.”
the gladdest sight in winter is the snow plow coming down the road. Get out of the way, fool! And don’t even think about leaving your car parked along the street if it has just snowed. I once witnessed a plow driver lean on his horn (who knew those big things had a horn?) until a man ran out of his home and moved the car to the driveway. Yes, I laughed. The man ran very fast. I don’t often witness a full sprint outside of track and field meets and TV cop shows.
you own a gun. Three is better. Six, you’ve got your own little armory and probably make your own bullets, too. (I received *my first gun as a “welcome to the family” gift from my future Alaskan in-laws. The look on my family’s faces was absolutely priceless as I unwrapped it, too. Hee hee.)
you don’t try to pet the moose/bears. Not even the ones in the zoo. Tourists do try this on occasion. I wouldn’t try to pet the mountain lions, jaguars, big spiders, anything with horns or antlers, wolves, hippos, etc. from the world’s respective countries. Why people try to pet wildlife is beyond me.
the state pays you a big fat check every October. (A bribe to keep us here over the winter.)
a bald eagle ate your dog.
winter sports are not optional.
for those in more rural areas (anywhere in Alaska outside of Anchorage, Fairbanks, and Juneau), when it’s time to go to town, you saddle up your moose. This is what you tell people from out of state, anyway.
when the freezer (and the extra freezer in the garage) gets full, you just put the cream puffs from Costco on the back deck. Voila, mother nature’s freezer.
you have snow tires. If you have to ask what these are, you are not from Alaska.
you think faux fur is a faux pas.
*I included an actual picture of my first gun being wielded by a relative in a family winter Olympics of sorts. I told you we got bored in winter….
What makes your home country/state’s population unique?